So a couple of weeks ago I got a very random Facebook message from my first “boyfriend.” It was completely out of the blue considering we dated when I was 15 years old. We only dated for about a month when he broke up with me, but I think it was pretty clear at that point that we didn’t make a good couple anyways, so I took it extremely well and felt it was fairly mutual. I honestly hadn’t thought of him much in 10 years.
The Facebook message he sent me last month was a long, rambling apology about why he had cheated on me with my good “friend” when we were together. I had absolutely, 100%, no idea that this had happened, but he was clearly under the impression that I knew about it. It felt like someone coming out of the past and slapping me across the face.
The message wasn’t long, but it was full of excuses about how we assumed we were monogamous even though we never talked about it (I’ll take his word for it, I honestly don’t remember if we had a conversation). To be fair, he made a big point to apologize a bunch and say I was “amazing,” but honestly, I didn’t really give a rat’s ass. I didn’t want to be told this information at all. I wish he had never come out of the woodwork.
That’s the thing – sometimes you say something to someone, like confessing you did something, when the truth is it’s not really about the other person at all. It’s about making yourself feel better and all it does is hurt the other person. It felt like this was something that had been sitting on his chest for the last ten years and he had been wracked with guilt over it. So he decided the best course of action was to spill his heart to me about it, so I could “forgive” him and make it all better. Fuck. That.
But, really, the thing that hurt most about it was it was my supposed “friend” he had cheated on me with (sorry, there’s a lot of sarcastic quotation marks going on today). She wasn’t my best friend, but she was part of a tight knit circle of us girls that I thought had genuinely good relationships with each other. She was someone I liked and respected and wouldn’t want to hurt, and I thought she felt the same way about me. Unlike this fleeting boyfriend, we were friends for years after this supposed incident.
The excuse that we were just kids feels just like that – an excuse. I’m sorry, but by the time you’re 15 (and my ex was 17), you know the difference between right and wrong.
I’m not close to either of these people at this point, so at least I have a lot of time and emotional distance between us. I imagine it would have hurt a lot more to find all this out at age 15 right after it happened than to find out now when I am in a six-year relationship and have more maturity to process it. But it’s weird to find out that the reality of your past can be a lot different than you remember. Until a month ago, I looked back at these two people with relative fondness. That’s been completely crushed, and it really sucks.
Have you ever found something out about a past relationship, friendship, or person that totally changed your view of them? Has anyone ever confessed something to you that you wish they’d kept to themselves?